10. Historical figures suck at picking up modern day chicks.
Poor guys. Even the founder of Western philosophy, America’s most recognized Old West outlaw and the founding father of psychoanalysis couldn’t pick up ladies at the San Dimas mall. When the “we’re from history” line failed, I really thought that “call me Siggy” thing was going to be clutch. 9. Aliens exist. STATION!
Since the beginning of time, people have wondered if we’re alone in the universe. According to Bill & Ted, we are not. Not only do life forms on other planets exist, they’re also much smarter than us, can split into multiple mini-forms of themselves, build good robot people from spare parts in the back of a van and have huge martian butts.
7. Napoleon got a bad rap.
All our lives we’ve been taught that Napoleon is a tyrant, but maybe he’s just a guy who loves water slides, ice cream, has a bit of a temper and cheats at bowling. We all know a guy like that. He’s kind of a dick, but you still hang out with him. 6. The meaning of life.
Bret Michaels may have said it first, but Bill and Ted really put it into perspective. You can rest easy now knowing what to tell Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 5. Death is bad at board games.
If you’re ever faced with a situation where you have to square off with the Grim Reaper to come back to life so you can save your medieval babe from a evil robot version of yourself, might I suggest a few simple board games? I recommend you bush up on Clue, Battleship and Twister just in case. Melvins will only distract him for so long. 4. The correct way to pronounce famous names in history. Socrates → So-cratz Freud → Frood or “The Frood Dude” Beethoven → Beeth Oven Also, all names containing articles may be preceded with a suffix. I.E. Mr. the Kid or Ms. of Arc. 3. 80s rock is full of deep life lessons.
Much like Poison inadvertently taught us the meaning of life, we also learned that rock and roll was given to us by God and that our lives are just dust in the wind. Whoa. 2. The pros of phone booth time travel. While Marty McFly always got himself in jams with Deloren malfunctions, the phone booth was much more efficient. If could be easily repaired with tin cans and chewing gum. Sure, it’s a tight squeeze when you’re collecting people for your history report, but you don’t have to be completely inside the booth to travel through time and you can tip the booth sideways to optimize your space. All together, it’s much more practical than a car, a chair or a box. Right, Dr. Who fans? 1. The golden rule. As goofy as this seems, it’s solid advice. The world would be a better place if everyone would be excellent to each other and party on. Who knows, in 2688 the world could be a great place where the air is clean, the water’s clean and even the dirt is clean. Bowling averages could be way up and mini-golf scores, way down. We could even have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with. So here’s to you, Alex! Thanks for teaching us the basics through rock and roll and friendship. Wyld Stallyns rule!