First of all, my apologizes to all of you straight male visitors. There’s nothing of interest to you here. Sorry for the misleading headline, but this post is something special for the ladies (and perhaps the homosexual dudes).
Now that we have that cleared up, let me tell you why generally mild-mannered Rachael is posting such an immodest list.
It was confirmed earlier this week that Charlie Hunnam will play the role of Christian in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Gray film. This fact presented me with a bit of a dilemma – I think the Fifty Shades of Gray phenomenon is absurd, but I love Charlie. So what to do?
I went through the following train of thought: Oh man, now that Charlie has signed on that means I have to see this turd of a movie. And I’m going to have to pay flipping $9.75 for it. Maybe I’ll do a double feature so I won’t have to pay for it. (Don’t judge me. I’m just being honest here.) Nah, I can’t do that to Charlie. I want him to be successful and for his movies to do well. I’ll give my box office money to this stupid movie. Since I like him so much, maybe it won’t totally suck. And given the subject matter, I’m sure he’ll be shirtless a lot of the time. I’d pay more than $9.75 to watch Charlie shirtless for a couple hours. Really, this is kind of a steal of a deal. When is this supposed to come out?
So with that, my mind wandered until I came to the following simple question: which celebrity chest would I pay money to see on the big screen regardless of how awful the rest of the movie is?
Thus, The Dirty Dozen of Most Droolworthy Chests list was born. You’re welcome, man lovers.
12. Jason Momoa
I scoffed at the previews for a Conan the Barbarian remake, but after falling in love with Game of Thrones’ Kahl Drogo, I watched it anyway. (Jason Momoa’s chest – 1. Rachael’s brain – 0.) I even considered giving Stargate: Atlantis a chance, but I didn’t get carried away. Jason would have to land in the top 3 in order for me to commit to watch a sci-fi series. Still, he just barely beat out Chris Hemsworth for my #12 spot and that guy was cast as Thor partially for his mythical god-like body. Congrats on your victory, Mr. Lisa Bonet.
11. Hugh Jackman
I personally prefer the non-‘roided body look of Hugh Jackman, but I’ll admit, when he’s on screen I can’t stop looking at it. Okay, maybe I could, but I don’t want to. He has somehow found just the right amount of muscle mass to be as toned as humanly possible without becoming body builder bulky. Plus, no one has ever made a tank top look better and that is a scientific fact.
10. Donald Glover
I know what you’re thinking – “Troy, really?!” Yes, Troy. Really. Underneath his goofy ficade, Donald Glover is a sort-of-angry rapper who goes by the name Childish Gambino… and Childish Gambino has some really spectacular abs. I want to host a fake morning talk show with them. “Rach and Don’s Abs in the morrrrrrning!”
9. Ryan Gosling
I think Emma Stone said it best in Crazy Stupid Love…
“Seriously?! It’s like you’re Photoshopped!”
8. Jake Gyllenhaal
Did you see Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time? Of course you didn’t. No one did… except me. Why? Jake Gyllenhaal’s chest.
PS: see End of Watch, I don’t remember any naked Gyllenhaal in it, but it’s good and underratred. And I believe it’s on Netflix right now.
7. Jensen Ackles
When you find Supernatural‘s Jensen Ackles as low as #7 on any list that involves hotness, you know there is some seriously stiff competition. With his comedic timing, his gleaming smile and his flawless body, he really needs to be getting cast in romantic comedies. Or at the very least, horror movies that will show off his chestal region when the opportunity presents itself.
Like perhaps in a sex scene, maybe you could at least have the guy take his shirt off instead of fading to black. Yeah, I’m looking at you, people who made Devour. If I’m going to sit through your lame movie, you could at least throw me a bone. (Phrasing.) But I digress…
6. Serge Ibaka
Serge Ibaka isn’t even an actor, he’s a power forward for the Oklahoma City Thunder. But when talking about shirtless men, the conversation isn’t complete without bringing Serge into it. Even though he isn’t an actor, I would still pay money to see a movie starring Ibaka’s abs. And I guarantee if he gets cast in a movie, it will be a bad movie. He seems like he’d be about as good an actor as he is a singer. But those abs, man. Those abs look like God designed a human Hershey’s bar.
5. Joe Manganiello
This is such an obvious pick that I really wanted to skip it, but I can’t deny it. Joe has one of the best man torsos in all of Hollywood. Look at this picture and remind me again why choosing between Alcide and Bill Compton was any kind of competition. Sookie, you’re an idiot. Werewolves FTW.
4. Charlie Hunnam
Charlie, the inspiration for this list, lands at #4. Hunnam goes against every typical taste I have, but his chest has something that few others on this list possess – the power to make me view him as super hot despite the length of his hair or the overall cleanliness of his body.
3. Matthew Lawrence
Matthew Lawrence, better known as Joey Lawrence’s younger brother or Robin Williams’ son in Mrs. Doubfire, has been #1 on my hottest men ever list since I developed a crush on him in 1995 on a series called Brotherly Love. Being as the guy hasn’t had the best movie/TV career and is virtually unknown, I was unable to find a picture that truly does his physique justice. However, if you can make it through this two and a half minute clip of Matthew in a locker room scene in The Hot Chick, your eyes will be handsomely rewarded with glimpses of his beautiful, lean 6% body fat.
2. Taylor Kitsch
If the question is, “Will you pay money to see a bad movie based on the fact that Taylor Kitsch takes his shirt off in it?” my answer is unequivocally yes. Want to know why? Because I’ve already done it. Three times. I first fell in love with Taylor when he starred with #11 of the dirty dozen chest winners, Hugh Jackman, in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Say what you want about the movie, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the Gambit cameo and how perfectly sexy the casting choice was. (Side note: Gambit was always my favorite of the X-Men.) Since then, I have happily forked over a total of $32.50 to see John Carter (in IMAX 3D), Battleship and The Savages. None of the movies were very good, but what they lacked in quality, they made up for with Taylor pecks. That’s money well spent.